Hello, Is There a Counselor I Can Speak With?
· Yahoo Sports
(Phone) Ring… Ring … Ring…
FAN: Hello, and thank you for calling FAN – the Football Anonymous Network. If you’re a return caller, press 1. If you’re new to the network, press 2. If you’re a Michigan fan, press 3.
Visit een-wit.pl for more information.
(Pressing 3)
Me: Hi, I’m Bill and I have a football problem.
FAN: Hi Bill. And congratulations! You’ve taken the first big step by admitting you have a problem.
Me: Yeah, well, it’s common knowledge.
FAN: Before we begin, may I ask how you heard about FAN?
Me: I found your flyer underneath my windshield wiper.
FAN: So, I see you’re a Michigan fan. I guess you’ve had a tough week. Bye weeks can be brutal, the worst, especially following a loss or two. Or as in your case, just freefalling from the CFP landscape all together.
Me: Yes, it’s been a big strain. Family and friends, they’ve been distancing themselves from me. Then there’s co-workers. It’s the opposite with them. They can’t wait to get right in my face on Monday mornings and rub in the losses. I mean, if I hear just one more Bryce Underwood joke, I swear I’m going to …
FAN: Now, take it easy, Bill. Violence is never the answer. By the way, where are you?
Me: Uh, at home, why?
FAN: Are you alone? Have you broken anything yet? You don’t have one of those old Jim Harbaugh bobbleheads, do you?
Me: I miss him. Why did he have to leave?
FAN: Bill, I think we can help you. We’ve helped a lot of people rid themselves of their addiction to football. But you’re going to have to make a lot of changes in your life, starting with dismantling your Michigan man cave and throwing away all your maize and blue paraphernalia.
Me: Wait, how did you know I had a Michigan man cave?
FAN: Bill, we’re trained professionals. Now, do as I say. Get a box and start taking that stuff out to the trash.
Me: Even my Ricky Leach jersey? I’ve had it for decades.
FAN: Oh, I’d start with that old rag.
Me: Say, you’re not a very nice advisor.
FAN: Well, the recovery process is painful, Bill. And I’m betting you have a lot of Michigan pride stored up in you. Pride is bad, Bill. It comes before the fall, and the Wolverines are tumbling.
Me: Hey, listen here, pal. We’re just experiencing a little hiccup. We have the winningest tradition in college football history. We have branding. As soon as people see the big maize-colored “M,” they immediately think of just one thing.
FAN: Yeah, McDonalds.
Me: Hey, we’re the reigning NCAA basketball national champions.
FAN: Yeah, and Dusty May dumped you guys fast enough.
Me: Just a minute, bud. What kind of college gave you a counseling degree? You sound more like one of those Ohio State trolls posing as Michigan fans on those phony website pages. What a sick joke.
FAN: Well, you Wolverines fans are so easy to target. Do you think that FAN flyer would have landed under your windshield wiper if you didn’t have that “Go Blue” license plate plastered on your truck? (lol).
Me: Oh yeah. This isn’t over. I’m not quitting football or Michigan. Let me tell you something, Buckeye breath. We’re going to see you in November. Forget the two losses. Starting with Penn State next weekend, we’re going to run the table, and then …
FAN: Run the table? You guys can’t run for a first down. (Click)
Me: Hello? Hey, come back here. Don’t you hang up on me. We’ll see you. We’re coming down to that snake pit in Columbus. You’ll see. Hello? Hello? Dang it. He sounded just like one of those guys from that “Dead Schembechlers” punk rock group. What a bunch of sickos.
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